I have decided

To stop letting lists limit me.
Instead of having a formal bucket list that I go by, I'm gonna go by the list in my heart.
(wow, that was cheesy. )
But really.

There are so many things that I didn't get on to the list that I really want to happen. Little dreams that no one else really knows about, or if they do the depth of how much I want to accomplish these things seems to be overlooked.

Anywho.
One of those is to go to the tour for the So You Think You Can Dance top 10. We tried to go last year, but it didn't work out. I wanted to go this year so desperately, but it wasn't looking plausible. I couldn't go to the Houston one on Saturday because of a dance festival for my dance studio which has since closed. It's the last thing I get to do as part of that studio, and I can't miss it. The one in San Antonio is on a Monday, but it starts at 8. I'd either have to ask off work, or drive home extremely late which is dangerous for me.

While watching the finale episode of So You Think You Can Dance last night, one of my dance girls was telling me how her and her mom are going. I mentioned how I wanted to but couldn't make the travel happen. I jokingly said, "Take me with you!" to which she replied, "I'll ask my mom if you can ride with us!"

Her mom said yes.
So, I bought my ticket. The best seats in the same general section. It was expensive, but I call it my birthday present to myself. When I looked online at where the seats are, it's literally the 3rd row in the orchestra next to the meet and greet seats.

WHAT.
So, I'm freaking out, and really hoping it's not a dud seat with a pole or something in the way.
I'm beyond excited that this is even possible, because I had given up hope, but couldn't shake how deeply I wanted to be there.
Natalia made the impossible possible.
And we're driving back that night and I don't have to drive.
Win.

This year apparently is about doing things that make me feel alive.
Including going to this tour and traveling to Europe.
I don't want to neglect the fact that every day holds something important, because history and memories are made up of mostly typical, seemingly uninteresting days laced together and immortalized by the pen.
Or, in recent cases, keyboard.
I don't want to waste the potential in these days, wishing for the ones ahead.
There could be something before those days I'm counting down to that I don't want to happen, and I could miss out on irreplaceable moments.

I'm excited to get to those days, but I'm also aware of the importance of today.
This work day
This interaction with friends
This hug from my parents
This pet of my dog's head
This conversation with my sister
This dance class.

Enjoy the this while waiting for the that.

Anne Frank House

So, I've kinda decided to forego the formal list and just go off of what I know inside of me I've wanted to accomplish.
Although, I do believe this one is on the (or some) list (somewhere.)

I had really wanted to see Anne's tree, but sadly it was blown down in 2010.
I still have had a burning in me to see her house. The hideout where she and her family and others stowed away in attempts to avoid the mass murder their people were undergoing.

I feel a connection to Anne that I can't explain. I have tried my darndest to make it make sense, but it just doesn't. I had been waiting to consider going to Amsterdam. I had mad excuses. I had pushed the burning away and reasoned with myself on why reality wouldn't let me.

Well this year, I threw all that out the window.
I'm going to Amsterdam.
I have enlisted a friend to go with me, so it'll be less scary flying to Europe.

I don't think the time we'll have in the house will be enough.
I want to soak it in. I want to stare at the walls she stared at. I want to burn this into my brain and let it saturate my being and make it's way down in to my heart to hopefully fill this hole that has been crying for some sort of familiarity I hope to find there.
From what I hear, photography isn't allowed. I want to respect this, but I also want so desperately to have a piece of this to take home with me, to help me.

I wish I could be in there alone. I was reluctant to bring anyone with me, because this is so personal to me. Yes, I know it's personal to tons of people, but then there's the people it's not. And this is just mine. It's other people's as well, but it's also mine. Like there was an internal torch she passed on and it somehow ended up in my hands.

The friend I enlisted is one of the people who could come closest to understanding what this trip means to me. It's killing me that I have to wait 325 days still, but the hope that fills my heart helps keep the longing at bay.

Seriously, I'm sure I sound ridiculous in this post. But I don't care.
This is better than riding an elephant, and that item on the list is pretty big.
This is making what was seemingly impossible, possible.

Before I realized this trip was plausible, I saw The Fault in Our Stars.
Knowing they did a bit of the filming there helped me calm myself down.
"Even if I never get to go, I can say I was taken there through this movie."
That movie gave me something most people can't.
This is my ending to An Imperial Affliction.
I have to do this. I have to go to Amsterdam.

325 days.
I already don't want it to end.